Several years ago I lost my baby girl to SIDS. The next months are a blur. Thank goodness my husband was with me, or I probably wouldn't have gotten dressed. After the funeral I remember people talking about what a loss it was, but I should be happy because God, or one of the heavenly hosts would raise her. Seriously? This is supposed to help? Later on I felt that I needed to become more faithful in my religion. I was born and raised Mormon. I knew no other religion and I really didn't need to. I had doubts, questions, different beliefs than most of my Mormon friends..but I figured I would sort it all out later. Truly, I never felt a part of the church. I had great friends that were in church with me, and that's pretty much the only reason I wanted to go. Not that I ever had a choice.My parents are very strong with their beliefs and help positions in the church so we were required to be ther eevery Sunday. 3+ hours..sheesh! Anyway, after my duaghter died I started studying. I started to live the way I thought I should. I had callings (teaching postitions) in my ward. I taught what is in the lesson plans..some of them I straight out didn't agree with. I still taught. I behaved like a good Mormon and got the church's blessing to enter the St. George Temple. It was a beautiful day but it didn't make me feel the way I had heard I would. It left me with more questions, more doubts. Secret handshakes, secret names..(The fact that I couldn't tell my husband this name I was given really bothered me) I went through the cerimony and it was pretty, but not compforting. I got to the end, and I realized it wasn't for me. The "celestial room" wasn't what I pictured Heaven to be like. It was quiet. We all were dressed the same. When I think of Heaven I think of a party like in "My Big Fat Greek Weddin," loud, crazy, colorful..fun. People laughing and chatting. Not quiet at all. It just didn't feel like "my" heaven. Once again, I just figured it was because of the odd way I think. I told everyone how beautiful it was, not because I thought it was , but because they had this pleading in their eyes..like "Now you're one of us. You're not strange anymore..be with us, prey with us. Join us in all that we do." A few months later I went to the Temple wedding of my nephew and his beautiful bride. The ceeremony started out pretty, being sealed for time and eternity. Pretty cool. Of course I had married a non-mormon, so that blessing wasn't for me..unless I changed my husband. Later on in the speech the man in white decided to talk about tithing. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's where you give 10% of your income to the church. This bothered me. Not the idea, but that fact that we would talk money in the temple of the Lord. Wasn't this a big no-no in the bible? Oh well. It wasn't my wedding, but it still bothered me. After that questions kept coming. no one could really answer them. I tried praying. THAT did NOT work. I realized I was still pretty pissed off at God for taking my baby. Really pissed. I was actually pleased with myself for admitting that. I now knew that I DID believe in God, but I didn't believe in religion. The day that I came to that conclusion, I became, well, a happy person. I still talk to God, but not the way most religions tell you too. I speak to him like I would my own father. I love my own father. I mean, I really love to talk to my dad, and talking to God the same way made my heart happy.
Well, there it was. I didn't believe in being Mormon. This is the first time I have ever said it out loud. I still worry about how this would go over if my parents knew. I know this will dissapoint them. I can't worry about it now. It's already out there. The world wide web is all knowing!
I believe in people, not religion. I have ideas, not beliefs. I like to think. I like to change my mind when I learn new things. My mind and heart have been opened and I don't want to close them ever again.
I have never liked the way relirion has treated gay people. It makes me sad. I don't understand the hatefulness that is spread through religions. I can not put my name to ANY religion that chooses homophobia above love, and understanding. The Mormon church seems to thrive on being against gay people. They put money into stopping gay rights. They won't allow children of gay couples to be a part of their church until the child can announce that they don't like their parents lifestyle. The Mormon church WANTS kids to disrespect their parents. They are excited about it..they think it's what God would want. I don't think I want to know their God. I'll stick with mine. Mine is loving, and kind, and has made mistakes but he learned from them. He isn't homophobic. He likes black people and thinks that mexicans should be allowed to seek a better life. My God doesn't hate. He gets pissed when people use his name to start a war or discriminate. He has the power to destry, but instead he likes to build up. He isn't looking to end the world, he's looking to make it better..
I'm not a mormon anymore. I can't be. I guess I am what they would consider an apostate. I'm okay with that.
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