There's been so much emotion over the past few days. Shock, dismay, fear, anger, and sadness. An overwhelming sadness. A sadness that brings me to my knees even though I knew no one at the school. I didn't know the teachers, I didn't know the kids, I didn't know their parents. Watching the TV screen, I wanted to know all of them. I wanted to hug each and every one of them..hug them tight, and tell them it gets easier. Not better, but easier to get through the days and nights. It gets easier to talk about your child..not in the past tense, but as if your child is right there with you..like my Katie is with me. I can't see her, but I feel her. I couldn't be there though. So, today I wore pink.
Today, I wore pink as I read my friends posts on Facebook. Today I cringed as people put up pictures of assault rifles, telling me they need to own them, it is their right to own them. Today, I thought how the last thing those children saw was an assault rifle. I wore pink today, and I cried over those pictures. I know people like guns. I don't. I won't take away your right to have a gun, but if I had the chance, every gun would be destroyed. EVERY gun. I don't need to hear from hunters and the NRA. I don't like guns. We own guns. My husband taught me how to use a gun. My son is aware of guns. He can shoot his BB gun. I still hate the fact that I would have to use a gun on another person. In a perfect world, I wouldn't need to. We don't live in a perfect world. We live in a world where we glorify a weapon, and condemn those who would want to rid the world of that weapon, or at least the need for that weapon. I wore pink today and prayed that those who would do harm would no longer be able to do it with guns.
I wore pink today and thought about the mother of the shooter. I thought how she must have suffered. I thought about all the times she thought that there was something wrong her son and didn't know where to turn for help. I thought about all the people who now blame her for something. I knew, that even her worst thoughts,she never imagined her boy would, or could do such a horrific thing. I wore pink today as I thought of her ex husband, and her other son who have to bury her. I don't blame his mother. I won't blame his mother. She suffered enough in life, and in death.
I wore pink today, and I prayed for understanding. I prayed for something that I will never understand.
I wore pink today, and I listened as people cried, wringing their hands asking "Where was God?" "Why did God allow this to happen?" I heard them say it was our Nations fault..that we have forgotten God. I heard them say that God left...I have never been a religious person. Religion scares me..I am a person of faith. What I say now, I say it knowing with all my heart that it is true... God never left. God was in that school. He was in Colorado. He was in the Twin Towers. He was in the Pentagon. He was on Flight 93. He's in the malls. He is everywhere. He was with all of those children on Friday. He was with the teachers. He was with the first responders. He was with the mother of the shooter. He was even with the shooter himself. He can not take away choice. He gave all the signs before hand. It was and is up to us to see them. He couldn't stop the shooter. The shooter had made a choice, and became so dark that he couldn't see any light. Our Heavenly Father knew what was going to happen. He and his angles stood ready to greet each of the victims. To escort them to their Heavenly home. I know that those kids, after a moment of fear, were greeted by our Heavenly Father. There was no more pain. There was no more fear. They had gone home. I wore pink today knowing that those children are with God. I wore pink today knowing that those teachers who gave up their lives so that others may live were greeted by cheering angles as they took their place in Heaven. God never leaves.NOT EVER. He waits for us to feel him, to need him, to talk to him. Even in my darkest times I know he is there..waiting.
